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New Employment Policies
New Employment Policies Effective 2005
It is advised that you should come to work dressed according to your salary:
* If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
* If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
* If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Family Responsibility Leave
Each employee will receive 104 FRL days a year. They are called Saturday &
Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling
in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!
Lunch Break
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.
* Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be
directed elsewhere.
Signed,
Human Resources
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