jokes

here's a couple to end the day

I was stood at the cash point the other day when a little old lady came up to me and asked if I would be kind enough to check her balance, so being the kind hearted person that I am, I pushed her and she fell over.

It just goes to show how much thought the Job Centre staff near to where I live put into their work. A young girl I know had been working as a window cleaner when she lost her job. The Job Centre asked her what experience she had got and sent her for a job as a Computer IT Consultant because she said she had got a lot of experience with Windows.

If a man made his home in a tyre. if he got a puncture would he then be living in a flat?

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Re: 11th Husband



A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.


'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'


'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.


'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.


'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.


'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.


'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.


'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.


'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.


'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.


'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.


'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.


'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?



'Your're with the 'GOVERNMENT' ....
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED .'

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I’ll keep using Linux until they pry it from my cold dead fingers.

That last one was bad...Here's One: husband 1.0

Subject: FW: Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had
operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0
uninstalled many other "valuable" programs, such as romance 9.9, and
installed "undesirable" programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while
husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command
C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember,
overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such applications as Grumpy
Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly WAV files. DO NOT install
Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another boyfriend program. These are not
supported applications, and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also
potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2,
which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially
serious viruses into the Operating system.

In summary!

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't
learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional
software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food
3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old
standby... Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Similary here's wife 1.0

Subject: tech support

Dear Help Desk,

I'm having trouble.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe



Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings Alimony/Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the #Esc# key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support.

CHRISTMAS DIVORCE

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Christmas and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five year of misery is enough.' 'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.'

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth II went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven


The Angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted'


The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'


The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'


Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!

Would you explain that to me?


'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are'

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